It’s really confusing and complicated! Can anyone just stop telling me lies but the truth? Tell me what’s the point of putting in efforts to study for the test and make improvement for better grades? To me, this are just bullshits that I always heard from teachers and facilitators. Everything that has been invested for better result had gone down to the drain. Then, why waste the time and efforts on this rubbish?

Wasting time going to school, pay attention to the lessons and take down notes. Being such a thick skinned, went around asking and begging friends for help. Using all the time to study everything again and again, and ended up having not enough rest. All these are just for the idiotic test and exam that doesn’t even last more than 2 hours. Then, went worrying about the result and getting nervous over this stupid numbers and alphabets as the result. After getting the result, what will happen? Those who pass with flying colours, they get congratulation everywhere, praises and parents bias and favouritism towards them. What about those who fail? Being look down, questioning about your effort invested for studying. They will go:” why did you get this result? Did you really study for the test or exam?” When you really study for you test or exam, but still fail the paper, they will doubt that you really study. Or even worst, they will just conclude that this person is simply stupid and dumb, cannot be help. Put in so much effort and time studying but still fail. Idiot. Even parents will think that you’re useless, make them lose face. So, I’m wondering what this people can do to prevent all this from happening. Go for a surgery, to change their brain to a clever one? I don’t think that’s possible.

When I was in secondary 4, I waste all my time going shopping, playing, reading comics instead of lesson’s notes and doesn’t pay attention in class. Until my “N” level is reaching, I get nervous and quickly join my friends to go study together, sometimes even asking them to stay long to teach me. I know they will get irritated by me and people really hate me, but I have no choice. I was lucky enough to get promoted with a quite satisfying result. However, I am not always that lucky, but I still barely make it to the next level with a very not satisfied result. People start studying right from the beginning of the year and get to go to their preferred polytechnics. I didn’t, so I didn’t get into the polytechnic that I preferred. Actually, I don’t really mind going there. But because of the name RP, people said that only retarded people go there to studies as it is Retarded Polytechnics. Anyway, this also doesn’t affect me much, so my life in RP continues.

What is it that affects me? It’s the teaching method and daily grade that affect me. Presentation every day, and will be graded every lesson. I’m slightly autistic, so I take a very long time adjusting myself to stand in front of the class and doing the presentation every day. Ending up being said that I’m not social-able and need to speak up more. Why don’t they go and try encouraging those autistic patients to speak up and expect them to change within a week? Idiots. The worst thing is I take up the courage to speak up and presentation in the way that the facilitator expect, but still get the same lousy grade. I even rack my brain to try writing a long reflection journal. Then what’s the point of improving? I rather remain the same, not contributing and keeping quite. Anyway, I would still get the same result.

One more thing, the school is close for a week due to H1N1 cases, currently having E-learning at home. Envy that we don’t need to go to school? I rather go to school for lessons than stay at home, I will at least do something and learn a bit of things. What I’ve done through the E-learning? Falling asleep and doing nothing, not even reading the worksheet questions. What will the others think about you? They’ll think that you are those who don’t give a damn about your studies and doubt that you really wanna study and is putting in effort. They will think that you’re just wasting your time and money going to school. What can you do to stop them from having this kind of thinking? Give up my studies and just rot away? Should I? There’s nothing you can do to stop them from think this way. Even I, myself agree that I’m this kind of people, and I am hopeless. I am very disappointed and damn angry with myself today. Rather than wasting my parents’ money and doing no benefit to myself and the world, I should have not come here. Best solution is to get myself disappeared from this place.

Labels: Bad Mood.